Funny, I heard that quote during one of the many videos I ran across while prepping for the race. I thought it was an awesome quote, but never thought it'd be the one I needed most after my race.
Conditions were perfect. 50 degrees, slight cloud cover. I got up, had my coffee and muffin, gatorade. Maura dropped me off near the start and went to park the truck. I found my way to the start around 7:30am, an hour before the start. As I walked up and saw the starting line, I also saw an amazing sunrise over the beach. "amazing day for amazing things to take place" I thought to myself as I made my way to the boardwalk. Why WOULDN'T I want to do some stretching along the beach, full race gear on, while the sun came up over the ocean? A race photographer even came to take my pic, I can't wait to see that one.
I munched my bagel, stood near the starting line as people filled in around me. Maura made her way to the other side to get some pics. My friend Joel, who's first marathon this would be, met up along side me as we waited. I love being on the start line. Something about being able to stare down the course right before the start always gets my blood pumping. In front of us were the "elites". A group of marines running for a fallen soldier, and another in a wheel chair that was badly hurt during the same mission. My god, what courage. Also with them was Team Hoyt. Team Hoyt was born out of a father who pushed his handicapped son in a wheel chair during marathons and triathelons. They've got thousands of members all over the country and have been a staple at a lot of bigger races I've been to. They're goal is to see to it that EVERYONE has the chance to experience the thrill of a race. I DARE any person to run with them and not shed a tear. I'm trying to hold back just thinking about it.
They let the elites go and a couple minutes later ushered us to the start line. I was amongst the best of the best, right where I wanted to be. Crowds on both sides cheering, leprachaun on the loud speaker counting us down, and I could see Maura in the crowd up ahead. I had to fight off the emotion....it was powerful.
HOOOONNNNKK!! The horn (I would have preferred a gun, but oh well) goes off and there we were.....it was time to put my money where my mouth was for 26.2 miles. Joel and I decided to stay together for the first 5 miles. He had forgotten his watch so figured best to stick with me for a bit and see what happened. The miles ticked away just as planned. Miles 1-5, 7 min a piece...not 6:59, not 7:01...7:00.00000! I was pumped. Mile 5 hit and I gave a small fist bump to Joel and started making my way forward, plucking people off as I went. I felt great. I was even giving out "free high fives" along the way to the crowd and doing the Hulk Hogen "ear thing" to get some more cheers. It worked too.....some may say that doing that costs energy, but my take is that doing that gives me 100X more back then what it takes to give.
Mile 13.1...half way. I saw Maura and Joels girl at the half way point. There was a small, yet annoying, head wind from mile 9 to ~16, not enough to really make me struggle, but enough for me to wonder about it. I waved at the girls, trying to stay focused. At this point I found myself saying "is this tougher than it should be right now?" As a small group pulled away. I planned to run what was comfortable, trust my training and even if I was slightly off pace, I knew I could make it all back in the home stretch. Or so I thought.
Mile 16 I was really hurting. Not it a way I had ever really dealt with either. Not at 16 miles at least. I was hurting bad, but kept moving. I had been through all the motivational sayings, mantras, etc, I had and nothing was working. I was starting to worry. I refused to walk, I kept saying to myself "mile 18, just get there, it's a small down hill from there, maybe a tail wind".....but it never came. I got to 18, but was still far enough inland there was no help. I looked at my watch....heart rate was 188....WAY WAY WAY too high for where I was or the pace I had been keeping...which by the way, was barely above 7 min to this point. I stopped to walk, thinking if I could catch my breath I could keep moving and make up the time. I stopped, I tried to take a deep breath, but half way into my breath it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest and I started coughing. WTF? What was this? I'd never experienced this during any of my training....what was going on? It didn't seem serious enough to stop, but it was serious enough to walk for a bit. I walked....then I ran (jogged rather) then I walked.....I shouted terrible words, some at myself, some just into the sky. I jogged....I walked again.....everytime I started running I thought it would be for good and I could finish honorably, but then I'd have to walk again. I felt like I couldn't get any oxygen to my legs, no oxygen, no fuel, no hope. People would run by with a heart felt "c'mon, you got this" but they didn't know. They had no idea I was several minutes off pace at this point....I did appreciate their words though.
Miles 22-26.2 were the worst thing I've experienced thus far in running. I think I was walking for a few minutes and running/jogging for less at this point. I was getting passed left and right, and felt angered whenever a spectator would try to encourage me. I knew they meant well, but they didn't know. I think the highlight of all this was stopping by a small house party handing out samples of Guinness. They were stoked when I actually stopped for a sample and even more stoked when I took 3, combined them and took off!! I figured a little beer at this point would only help!!
When my watch said 2:57....that was the worst of the worst. All I could think about was the people NOT getting texts or emails about my finish, and Maura.....sitting there at the end.....seeing the clock....and me NOT in sight. Joel even passed me miles ago.....that hurt. He'd trained half as hard as I did. Damn it!! 3:00....over 2 miles out. I wanted to quit. I just wanted this over. I couldn't handle being out there knowing Maura was sitting there worried about where I was.....if I was ok or not. I wished for nothing more than to be able to have a phone on me to call her to tell her and if I had thought more clearly I would have asked the party-people for a phone to do just that. Sorry. Eventually I made it to the board walk and I ran walked it on home. My legs were cramping terrible, my mind was already thinking about sleeping on the way home. I felt like I had let everyone down. I talked such a big game for 20 weeks and on the biggest day I fell short. Miles short. I crossed the finish line, head down......I wouldn't even let them put the medal around my neck, I just took it by hand. I didn't feel like I deserved it. I found a bench and sat down with a water and cried. Maura found me, and I started to cry more, seeing that she was upset too. I felt bad for making her worry, I felt bad for letting others down. I felt bad about it all. We met up with our friends and I eventually pulled it together. I got a beer and went and let my feet cool off in the ocean. It was over. My 20 week journey was over.
I had a lot to think about on the way home. Too much, actually. So much I don't think I slept like I had planned. One thing is for certain, I have the best friends, and the best family I could have ever asked for. One thing I thought about during the "blowup" as I'm calling it, was how I'd let everyone down, and I'd hate to have to talk about this with anyone. Quite the opposite. I've had more kind and inspirational words from everyone now than I ever expected. I was worried about failing. But, I will only fail if I stop trying. If I let the punches keep me from moving forward. I started sharing this journey with others because I hoped it would bring others to do what motivates them.....it that journey it's those same people who are now helping me when I need it. Thank you. Together we are strong beyone measure. I never really thought I was doing things on my own, but after this experience I now know I'll never have to.
* A special thanks to Maura.....without you none of what I do would be possible. You are my rock and I love you very much. Your support this weekend was amazing, and I'm sorry I made you drive so much :)
